I'm a Proud Virgin on Valentine's Day

Hey everyone, it's your friendly neighborhood Andrew Ryan ... you know, the man that everybody loves to hate. Please, please, settle down and accept my presence because I don't have many years left ahead of me due to my narcolepsy and all. 

To all my virgins out there, please do not feel dismissed by today's scam of a holiday, if you would even consider Valentine's Day as being a holiday. This is how I'm planning the rest of my day out: 

- wear the footsie pajamas my mother bought me with the heart designs ... my senile mother enjoys maintaining a tradition of purchasing me footsie pajamas every Valentine's Day to show her love towards me. I appreciate the footsie pajamas because they feel extremely comfy and warm, especially around my crotch area. I always tell my mother to buy me the extra padding on the crotch area because when my penis shrinks, things start to go haywire to the point where I might pre ejaculate all over my mother's curtains, a big no no. 

- cook myself a wonderful feast. Well, I failed out of culinary school so I always try to make myself a dinner worth forgetting the next day. I usually feast upon a frozen TV dinner or raw pasta (extra carbohydrates). Last Valentine's Day, my mother wobbled down the stairs and demanded that I cook her something special ... yeah, I did alright. I cooked her something special ... with a lot of salt to affect with her sodium levels! She even complained that the dish was too salty but I psyched her good, dumb bitch. 

- watch "Charlie Brown's Good Grief Valentine's Day" to masturbate ferociously to the scene where Peppermint Patty brushes Marcy's ass after Marcy boils the easter eggs. I especially love it when I jelq it in my footsie pajamas because the polyester material serves nicely as a lubricant. 

- stay logged onto eBaum's World to watch the funny videos in the featured section. I don't know where these videos come from but man they are hilarious, especially the ones with the black people. Instant classics ... if eBaum's World didn't exist, I'd probably kill myself. Oops, did I just say that? Haha. 

- watch some Ray William Johnson videos ... the guy is hilarious. Alright forum, stay trolling. Doing your mom ... instant classics. I love Ray William Johnson, I want to feel his smooth Indian skin. Hmmmmmm.

- listen to my vinyl collection ... I have ABBA's Greatest Hits and Jefferson's Starship's Greatest Hits. Those are my favorites ... my mother likes Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra but those guys are old and stupid. I broke my mother's golden plated Dean Martin's "White Christmas" record because I wanted to see her cry. 

Well, that's going to be my day. What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Please respond in the comments below. Alright forum, ha ha. Tribute to Ray William Johnson, instant classic. Check him out, alright peace. 

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