To bone or not to bone, that is the question …. that has been dividing parents on Twitter. Earlier this week, TikToker @part.time.milf (same) managed to spark an internet-wide debacle on the rules of fucking at home while children are asleep after posting a video depicting her consoling her concerned daughter who heard a few rogue screams during her usual shut eye-hours.

“Our daughter is crying right now ‘cause she heard you screaming and she wanted to make sure you were okay,” her husband says in the video, which has since garnered more than 4.2 million likes on TikTok.

While the initial post received a handful of controversial comments, some noting that  @part.time.milf’s hubby was “proud and embarrassed at the same time” while others called for making “it standard practice to add extra insulation around master bedrooms,” the video quickly made the rounds on Twitter where people got REAL mad real fast.

“Am I the only one who doesn’t find this funny in the slightest…?” captioned Twitter user @sisterlelianas in a viral repost of the clip. “If you have a child in the house why would you SCREAM during intercourse with your partner? Children don’t know what you’re doing, and even if they did it’s incredibly disrespectful and traumatizing for them?”

While several Twitter users took @sisterlelianas’s side, dissecting the impacts of widespread pornography and debating the nuances of the situation as some threatened to call CPS, others begged to differ.

As Twitter user @Mik311 so aptly put it, “Imagine paying 400$+ to fuck your own wife.”

Now, as a childless 20-something (thanks, Plan B!) it seems I, your lovely writer, have approximately zero insight into this debate. I understand the need for parents to get it on — if there’s on thing I’ve learned throughout my career in Professional Shitposting™ it’s that everybody is horny literally all the time  — yet I also know from personal experience that nobody ever wants to think about their parents boning.

So, in true journalistic fashion, I reached out to the experts … namely *the* expert on sex after kids, my mother who has always had a penchant for being a little TMI with the inner workings of her sex life (say my affirmation with me, folks: “I am a product of immaculate conception. My parents are both virgins.”).

“I think it’s okay to have sex, quietly, in the house when the kids are asleep in another room, and your door is closed and, if possible, locked,” she explained. “Save the screaming, whips, and handcuffs for when they’re overnight at grandma's or they go off to college.”

So take it from Ann — the approach to fucking while parenting probably lies somewhere in the middle of pure celibacy and screaming like you’re in a porno. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be dumping approximately ten (10) gallons of bleach into each of my eyeballs and settling in for a long, long talk with my therapist.