With the state of Ohio giving away lottery tickets and West Virginia giving away guns, we didn't want the rest of you to feel left out. After all we are the land of the free stuff, home of the brave.

ALABAMA - 1st Cousin flesh-light/dildo set

Low hanging fruit? Probably. But is it still free? Yes.

ALASKA - Free one-way flight out of Alaska

You made it out!

ARIZONA - A bottle of hot sauce & a pistol

Nom noms.

ARKANSAS - Walmart gift card even though half of you work there

Go buy some catfish or whatever.

CALIFORNIA - An avocado & 10% off a Universal Studios lot tour

California...here we come!

COLORADO - Weed, not that you need anymore

We get it, you legalized marijuana.

CONNECTICUT - Pastel boating shorts & a pair of Steve Madden's

Got to look fly this season. #HotBoySummer

DELAWARE - ASMR of Joe Flacco eating steamed crab legs

"I just came." -Every person from Delaware ever.

FLORIDA - Signed Tim Tebow jersey & some bath salts

What more could a Floridian want?

GEORGIA - A tub full of sweet tea

Bathe in the nectar of the gods.

HAWAII - A jacket for when it's 71 instead of 75 degrees out

Oh you're cold? Talk to Minnesota.

IDAHO - Surgery to have your gutter palates replaced w/ actual tastebuds

There are other foods besides potatoes.

ILLINOIS - Another Cubs World Series drought & a hot dog

You get what you deserve.

INDIANA - We'll play Gary, Indiana from 'The Music Man' on repeat

I've never been, but it seems nice.

IOWA - A jar of dirt from the original Field of Dreams

We give you a life-saving vaccine, you get some dirt. Sounds fair.

KANSAS - Free admission for life to all State and County Fairs

Joke's on you! There is absolutely nothing else to do here.

KENTUCKY - Free 3pc. chicken box from KFC

That's a steal.

LOUISIANA - Box of Mardi Gras bead necklaces

Because boobies.

MAINE - Photo of Stephen King wearing a ratty old sweater in the fog

It's so nice this time of year.

MARYLAND - Some bro just quoting 'Wedding Crashers' on loop

"Crab cakes and football, that's what Maryland does!"

MASSACHUSETTS - Dunkin' for life & a Pats poster

Cam Newton will also play catch with the first 20 people in line.

MICHIGAN - "I Hate Ohio" t-shirt

As Americans it's safe to say we all hate Ohio, but Michigan takes it to the next level.

MINNESOTA - A pair of ice skates

You can skate with them, or kill yourself for choosing such a cold goddamn state to live in.

MISSISSIPPI - Divorce attorney on retainer

We know you all married your abusive high school sweethearts. So when you're ready, the law offices of Morgan, Morgan, and Morgan will be there.

MISSOURI - Patrick Mahomes will bang your mom

Don't have a mom? Patrick Mahomes will bang your dad.

MONTANA - Free 'Legends of the Fall' DVD Copy

This is a deal. On eBay it's going for $3.99.

NEBRASKA - Idaho potatoes so you can eat something other than corn

We gave them new tastebuds, you get their leftovers.

NEVADA - A burning urethra & soul-crushing guilt

What happens in Vegas...

NEW HAMPSHIRE - We'll spit in your mouth then recite our state motto

"We're better than you, and we know it."

NEW JERSEY - Free driving lessons

"Hey I'm mergin' here!"

NEW MEXICO - A dusty hatch chili

The state plant.

NEW YORK - A hearty "Go f*ck yourself!"

"Hey I'm walkin' here!"

NORTH CAROLINA - Petey Pablo signed UNC basketball shorts & a biscuit

Raise up.

NORTH & SOUTH DAKOTA - A room so you guys can just make out already

The sexual tension between North & South Dakota though.

OHIO - Lotto tickets & your NFL teams may even have a winning record

Too soon?

OKLAHOMA - A deep fried hamster

You people will deep fry anything.

OREGON - 1 free small cold brew from a place called "Jean's Beans"

It's this cute little place right around the block.

PENNSYLVANIA - Sheetz gift card & a sixer of Yuengling

We know some of you prefer Wawa over Sheetz. Too bad.

RHODE ISLAND - We'll throw a cup of Del's lemonade in your face

So refreshing.

SOUTH CAROLINA - Free frozen drink at Pool Bar Jim's

Hilton Head or die.

TENNESSEE - Garth Brooks' Greatest Hits CD

Bangers only!!!

TEXAS - Holy shit you actually got the vaccine?? Take whatever you want

Congratulations on not being a completely terrible person.

UTAH - Keys to Ted Bundy's Salt Lake City home

How is this not on Airbnb?

VERMONT - Bernie Sanders' cell number

Do with that what you will.

VIRGINIA - We replace your racist Redskins hat with a 'Football Team' hat

Hail to the Washington Football Team!

WASHINGTON - A baseball team better than the Mariners

So literally any other baseball team.

WEST VIRGINIA - Essential John Denver on Vinyl

You're welcome.

WISCONSIN -Deer jerky and cheese

Literally a deli platter. Take as much as you want.


It's really all we have.