The 17 Dumbest Ways People Have Died
Carly Tennes
Published
04/04/2024
in
facepalm
Though it may be a catchy jingle promoting railroad safety, there are a whole lot more dumb ways to die than eating a two-week-old unrefrigerated pie … and being a dumba— in the vicinity of train tracks.
Life is short, and sometimes our own humanistic hubris can make it shorter, a lesson several now-deceased folks discovered the hard way ... alongside their Darwin Award.
From broken parachutes to taking a dip in a VERY hot spring, here are 17 dumb ways people have died.
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1. Death By Blanks
“Jon-Erik Hexum, who starred in ‘Voyagers!’ in the 80s. Literally put a gun to his own head on the set of another show, ‘Cover Up’ and pulled the trigger because he thought blanks wouldn't hurt him. Forgot there were still things that could kill him in the blank caps. He was declared brain dead, and his family donated his organs.” -
2. Death By B—t Bomb
“Behold, the dumbest s—e bomber I've found to date. He smuggled a bomb up his b—m and managed to get past security to meet a Saudi prince, and it detonated while shaking hands. But in the end his body basically absorbed the brunt of the blast, it ended up only killing him and lightly injuring the prince's hand. I'm not sure anyone can write an article on that with a straight face. Even the New York Times used the headline ‘a—-assin’. There are so many puns because it's just so ridiculous.” —cannibalisticapple -
3. Death By Faulty Parachute
“Gotta throw Franz Reichelt in there. Hapless inventor of a "parachute suit" - a wearable aviator's suit that was supposed to convert into a parachute. On the basis of one successful test which he was unable to replicate, he petitioned to test from the first platform of the Eiffel tower. When he was finally granted permission, he insisted - despite the strident objection of family and friends, and his general history of failed prior experiments - in strapping the thing on himself and jumping rather than using a dummy. He immediately plummeted to his death 200 feet below after the chute wrapped around him.” —RobAtSGH -
4. Death By Engineering Hubris
“[Garry] Hoy attempted to demonstrate the strength of the structure's window glass by slamming himself into a window. He had apparently performed this stunt many times in the past, having previously bounced harmlessly off the glass. However, in this instance the force of Hoy slamming into the window forced the window from its frame, causing the window and Hoy to fall from the building. Structural engineer Bob Greer is quoted by the Toronto Star as saying ‘I don’t know of any building code in the world that would allow a 160-pound man to run up against a glass and withstand it.’” — ChillPill247365 -
5. Death By Mocking Alligators
“That drunk guy who jumped into a swamp saying 'f—k alligators!' who got immediately eaten by an alligator. There was a sign and everything.” —OakLegs -
6. Death By Pickles
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7. Death By Yellowstone Swimming
“The guy who wanted to take a dip in a nice warm pool at Yellowstone. He went off the boards, found a nice secluded spot and slipped as he bent over to check the temperature. Unfortunately no remains were recovered due to the acidity of the water.” —Twat_In_Hells_Chance -
8. Death By Bad Parking
“In China, there was a couple in a car with their kid and they were trying to park their car. The wife got out to see how much space the car had left to go in the lot, got run over by her husband, who in a panic stuck his head out the window and hit drive, and slammed his head and neck into the pillar next to the car. Instant orphan.” —maenadery -
9. Death By Surgery Race
“A surgeon named Robert Liston once managed to kill THREE people performing surgery on ONE person, to prove that he could amputate a leg the fastest. His surgical skills were so deadly they had an AoE.” —Dahhhkness -
10. Death By Pie
“This is someone I’m related to, like my great-great-great Aunt or something distant. This Aunt of mine was a diabetic, and one day she made a cherry pie. She was bragging and boasting to someone about how good her pie looked, saying, “I could just eat this whole thing it looks so good” and her friend chimes in, “you can’t do that, you’re a diabetic!” So my aunt said f—k you, ate the whole pie, and died.” —Mermaid_Belle -
11. Death By B—t Chugging Alcohol
There was this guy who couldn't eat or drink normally anymore due to an issue that came up with his throat. He really wanted to get drunk though. Somehow, he managed to pour two huge bottles of alcohol into his a—. After he died they checked his blood and his BAC was like 0.50. This happened like 10 years ago. — FreeLime20 -
12. Death By Shorting Sanders
“My fave Darwin Award is this one: Neighbours called the police as they hadn't seen this guy about for a while. Cops bust down the door to find his naked corpse on the sofa, with burns around his d—k and b—s. During the investigation, the police pull apart his sofa and find 2 power sanders (without paper), installed inside, positioned either side of the gap between the cushions. They concluded that the guy had stuck his member between the sanders for s—l kicks. Unfortunately when he c—d, the s—n shorted the sanders out and he was electrocuted to death, through his d—k…” -
13. Death By Copper Mine Elevator
“There was a Darwin award winner from a few years back. Guy in some Eastern European country broke into an abandoned mine to steal copper wire. He decided to take copper from the main wire holding up a rickety old elevator. He stole it by cutting through it....while standing on the elevator.” -
14. Death By Vending Machine
“By trying to fight a vending machine and having it tip over you. it's quite common.” -
15. Death By Self-Decapitation
“Krystof Azninski of Poland got into a drunken "masculinity test" in 1995 with his friends and cut off his own head with a chainsaw. He won?” —sheepsleepdeep -
16. Death By Car Sensors
“Remember that video of the man that was so confident his cars sensors would stop the car before hitting him that he'd stand in the street while it drove towards him? Instead of stopping it just bowled him over. He didn't die but it was pretty funny because it was supposed to be a demonstration of how good the car was so people were gathered around and everything.” —TommF -
17. Death By Jaywalking
“One of the popular girls at my high school was killed after she stole a bottle of vodka from her parents then decided to jaywalk across a busy street. She was hit by a car and it was said that she would have survived if she didn't have the bottle of vodka in her jacket. It shattered and punctured her lungs.”
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